I feel as if I have suddenly been awaken from a dream, but my eyes are still closed. Maybe I had fallen asleep for a few seconds. Might as well been hours, who knows. The palm of my left hand is burning.
I’m in a hotel room in Hong Kong, sitting in my now daily meditation practice.
There is a bright yellowish light that takes over my entire field of vision, I feel as if getting all close to the sun, without the dangerously burning heat perhaps. I suddenly feel the need to take a really deep breath, as if to take it all in, and its intensity is decreased, to disappear moments later.
All black now…
I listen to a voice in my head. Not the usual chattery voice, though it still feels like a thought.
– You are infinite.
– What are you talking about?
– This is really who you are.
– But this body…
– An infinite being.
If only the feeling could last…
These conversations between my soul and my ego happen all the time. I wish I could say that my soul talks some sense into me. Not the case. At least, not as often as I’d like. I then feel belittled. But realisations do hit me after a while. It is one thing to know, and cognitively understand something, it is another to feel it, like, deep in your core. Same way you know that the sky is blue and water is clear, or that you can’t trust politicians… this kind of knowledge permeates your actions. I want to keep this knowledge, and I fight for it every time. Like I said, I don’t always win.
I look down, and there’s a hand, resting on some kind of counter. The owner of the hand is sad, I can feel it. I guess that means I’m the owner of the hand… I’m in a train station.
– Why do I feel like it’s the 1920’s? It must be the glove she’s wearing. Did I see this in a movie?
– Just breathe into it and let it be, feel. Stop thinking so much.
Deep breath. I focus on feeling.
Another hand grabs my hand. A masculine, strong hand. He’s got me. There are no words. There was a kiss just moments before. I remember it then.
– How do I know this?
It was the most amazing kiss, the kind you don’t want to end. But now, he takes me into his chest and hugs me. I just cry. And here I am, crying just like she is. I feel pain, I feel sad. As if this happened to me. I think he’s leaving.
I’m a total cry baby, so it could also be that I’m really into this movie. That I have a great imagination, or perhaps, a great desire to be loved in this way. And I do, really -who doesn’t. It feels unconditional. He sees right through me and doesn’t care about my gloves. Or that my make up is a mess (I can’t see that, but how can it not be).
I notice my thoughts.
– This is so made up.
The chatter never stops, but I manage to feel past it. And this. feels. real.
There’s tears that have accumulated in my eyes, and they start falling down my face. This brings me right back, so I open my eyes. Bewildered. These things throw me off. In a good way. And now I don’t even know what question this whole thing answers. Oh well, maybe next time I’ll get an answer to that other thing I was wanting to know about. Seemed to me it was important, but what do I know. Clearly this is more important.
So I surrender -why fight?
I sit down and look through the veil that covers my window. Is that blue? Maybe all the fog will clear up for the fireworks tonight. I’m going. It’s the lunar new year celebrations, and I’m in Hong Kong after all.