Today has felt like a wasted day. Here, lying on my bed and doing absolutely nothing, I’m paralysed by this feeling of slowness. Of action-less bed gluttony. Of guilt and heaviness. The day is foggy in Hong Kong, where I am for a few weeks, and I don’t feel like going out on a discovery trip. I’m sun-activated. So, whatever, I can stay in today.
I have looked at my computer every now and then. It’s full of little tabs with fancy titles within my whole range of interests. Top 10 walks in Hong Kong, how to eat your vegetables raw, Danielle LaPorte, the power of energy mandalas, five waterfalls near Sydney to swim under, a list of foods that don’t contain sugar, Evernote blog… to name a few. Oh the anxiety. And I haven’t even mentioned the emails that I’d love to dive into… So I reach for the cashews (raw, of course).
I should probably be writing an inspirational post to share, working on my core desired feelings workbook, or drafting that e-mail I promised I would draft while I was here. Or I should be working on that transcription… it’s nearly done anyway! But… The more things come to mind, the more paralysed I feel.
I can think of a million things I need to be doing. The more things come to mind, the more paralysed I feel.
Knowing one thing and feeling it are 2 completely different things. I know there’s so much I want to do, yet I feel like doing nothing. And I recognise it: my paralysis comes from my limiting beliefs, probably. Surely, it comes from the fear that creeps in about the decisions I know I need to make. It stems in comparing myself to others, and the ever-so-friendly overwhelm. I know that unless I start acting small, everything will stay the same. I know that clarity comes from actionable, tiny steps. I know I’m responsible for my own life. I KNOW IT.
So what? Knowing has never been so useless. Totally overrated.
Be the light. Breathe — I tell myself.
My paralysis comes from my limiting beliefs. Surely, it comes from the fear that creeps in about the decisions I know I need to make. It stems in comparing myself to others, and the ever-so-friendly overwhelm…
Well, maybe the light needs to be going to all these dark places. I start questioning the whole point: what is the whole point? I think I’m in my head too much lately. I take a deep breath, and I bring in a lot of compassion for myself right now. For the complexity of my existence. For my Soul, feeling so trapped in my (always) judging ego. I can feel all these things. The judging and the understanding of the judging, happening at the same time.
And I forgive myself.
I can feel all these things. The judging and the understanding of the judging, happening at the same time.
I forgive myself for staying in today, for not moving a single finger, for not being “perfect”. There’s a couple of tears, and the weight on my shoulders starts fading… just a little.
As I bring in self-compassion, I also feel joyful. I feel strangely centred, even though I have a headache that won’t go away. ”I’m some lucky girl” is the thought that comes to mind. Look where I am. I’m so grateful. I’m here, having all this crazy insights on my feelings. How good is THAT.
I’m also in Hong Kong, in an amazing hotel room. I get to have fancy breakfasts and enjoy the company of some newly-made friends. Not today, however.
As I bring in self-compassion, I also feel joyful. I feel strangely centred. I’m so grateful. I’m here, having all this crazy insights on my feelings.
I know. This probably doesn’t make a lot of sense. How can I feel joyful when I’m in this mess? My life is full of paradoxes lately… because really, all wisdom is. But paradoxes are beautiful in their own right. They contain themselves. They’re wise and complex. I’ve been learning to live with them, embrace them, love them as they are.
It’s like a spot of light in the darkness, that ying and yang balance, a sort of wholeness that undeniably feels both dark and light at the same time, from different perspectives… and because of that, it is beautiful.
Paradoxes are beautiful in their own right. They contain themselves. They’re wise and complex.
So there you go. I let it be —and I survived. All you need sometimes is to accept what is, because unless you recognise the pain and look at it in the eye, it’s not going to go away.
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